Is there anyone still out there?

If anyone is still following my blog – doubt it since I haven’t blogged in forever, but what the heck. I started a new blog over on blogspot, got a domain name and all, lol. Thought it would motivate me with my running. Anyhow, here’s the link to the new blog – http://www.wannaberunningmama.com/

To share or not share what is up with me

Here goes, putting it out there.  This has been a very sh*tty week for me.  Excuse the bad language, not my usual style, but oh well.  A week ago Friday I confirmed that I was pregnant.  I was pretty sure that I was as I had been throwing up for 2 days and hubby and I had opened the door on the possibility post marathon.  Tuesday my symptoms were easing up and I just wasn’t feeling quite right so I took another home test to try and figure out what was up.  The tests started flipping between positive and negative, quite weird so I called my doctor who ordered some blood work.  Blood work confirmed that yes I was pregnant, but my blood levels were not looking good.  Thursday went up for a follow up and beta numbers went from 15 to 18. (Not good)  I thought for sure I would start to miscarry right there with numbers that low, but nope I didn’t.  So I was instructed that this was not a viable pregnancy which I kind of knew, but had been hoping that I had just had a slow start.  I was told to recheck on Monday to make sure my numbers were going down appropriately and that I would probably pass things over the weekend.  I woke up at 5am to go to the bathroom and hollered for hubby since I was all of a sudden feeling like total crap and passed out on the toilet.  Pretty site – not.  According to dh I passed out twice and actually had my eyes open when I passed out.  Kind of freaky.  Headed up to the ER from there just to rule out any chance of an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy or any other weird things else that could be going on.  Doctors again confirmed pregnancy with blood work.  Numbers still sitting at 18.  For those that don’t know anything about pregnancy HCG levels they should double every 48 hours.  Mine very clearly are no where close to doubling.  They found a small clot on ultrasound and confirmed it wasn’t in my tubes.  I got an IV and am home now recovering.  I still have not completed miscarriage and have been very sad most of the week.  I am all cried out at the moment.  I wasn’t sure whether I felt like sharing this with the general public because not up to hearing any idiots opinion on how many children I have.  I have good kids.  They are well taken care of.  I have a wonderful husband and a good marriage.  I may gripe about him, but hell that’s marriage.  Everyone does it.   Anyhow, this is reason number 1 why my running has been so dismal  the last few weeks.  I just hadn’t been up to sharing what’s up with me.  I still feel quite crappy and am quite woozy so going to be taking it easy for a few days.  I go back Monday to make sure my numbers are dropping.  I’ll worry about fitness on another day.

Getting back in the swing of things

I have been so super crazy since school started back for my kids.  I have kids doing things 3 nights a week. It’s very important for me for my kids to be active.  I don’t want them to grow up sedentary and I’d love for them to find a love for a sport or active lifestyle.  My girls take Irish dance and believe me if you’ve never seen it that is quite the workout.  I am actually taking adult classes this year.  It’s been kind of fun for this two left feet kind of girl.  Five of my six kids are taking swimming classes.  None of them can swim well and I put that off entirely too long.  And then four are taking gymnastics.  Yes, I am crazy!  I have also been having to go up to my teenager’s school at lunch time to stand over Mr. Irresponsible (one of my diabetic children) and make sure he is actually checking his blood sugar and counting the carbohydrates in his lunch and calculating his insulin dosage correctly.  Him and I got in a huge fight after seeing his numbers in the 500-600 range.  (They should be between 80-120.)  He was going days on end without even checking his blood sugar.  That and doing things like trying to double up his insulin so he could skip a dose.  Just plain stupid.  He’s still being quite the jerk to be around. I am not real happy with him anyhow.

Now, as for me.  I got in a decent workout today.  I won’t say great, but okay.  I have been hit and miss with my running and I can tell it. I ran for 2 miles and walked half a mile. I am going to try and get in a second run today if I can or I may just walk this evening.  I got a couple new fitness dvds in too that I want to try.  I’ll be saving those for next week.  I am hoping to blog every day next week and hopefully that’ll get me back in a rhythm again.  Sorry I’ve been such the slacker.

I am still alive!

Sorry so long from blogging. Things have been a little crazy here and I was in a bit of a funk post marathon.  First off I couldn’t walk for 3 days after the race, wasn’t expecting that.  Then we were on vacation.  I didn’t get to run the whole time I was on vacation.  Well, I got in like one 3 mile run and one 2 mile run during those 2 weeks.  Then coming back didn’t pull myself together and just kind of did nothing.  I just didn’t feel like it.  I think the break honestly was probably a good thing, but my horrible eating during my vacation was not.  I think all I did was eat.  I gained about 10 pounds.  I am working the weight off now and starting to feel back on track.  I went on a 5 mile run yesterday and right now having essentially taken a whole month off running 5 miles is somewhat hard again.

New goals

Well, one of the reasons I have been struggling to stay on track is because I have no goals in front of me.  Here are some new short term goals I have made.  I decided to spend from now until the end of the year really working on my speed (and building back up my base mileage too, but focusing on improving my speed).  I did no speed work really or hill work training for my marathon because I was so focused on being able to run the distance.  Now, I want to see if I can actually start running faster.  I signed up for 2 5Ks and I’d like to find one more 5K to run and maybe a 10K before the end of the year.  One 5K is next weekend and then the other one is 2 weeks from then on Oct 3.  I’d like to see if I can get my 5K time below 27 minutes before the end o the year.  Right now my fastest 5K time is 28:28 so I think if I really start focusing on speed I can reach that goal.  We’ll think about marathon training next year, not committing to when next year yet, but I’d like to run another marathon by the end of next year.

Swimming and weight training

I am going to try to give the whole swimming thing another go.  I tried to take up swimming during my race training, but just didn’t have the time or energy.  I am going to try again to add it into my schedule.  I dropped down to 2 days a week with my trainer.  I can’t justify the expense for 3 days and may phase him out all together this year, but we’ll see.  I really do like him as a trainer, but not sure that I need it and it’s money that could be spent better.  I am going to try to add in 1-2 days weight training on my own.  Once I can see that I can stick to it on my own then I will decide what to do with my trainer. He’s been a nice safety net and a nice guy and really helped me to see progress so we’ll just have to wait and see.  I want to be able to do the “Pump and Run” race they have around here this year.  I wanted to do it this year, but couldn’t lift the weight required to do it so this year I want to set that as as goal as well.

Anyhow, life is good.  Kids are back in school and I am regaining my sanity so hopefully I’ll be back around regularly again.

Drake Well Marathon – my first marathon

Drakewell Marathon – My first marathon

We left Friday afternoon to head out for the race to be on Sunday.  I ran on Tuesday before and had planned to go for a short run on Thursday and maybe Friday.  Well, didn’t make the Thursday run as I went to my sister’s house and was going to run there, but my nephew wound up needing stitches and things just got off track and then didn’t make Friday’s run either because we just ran out of time trying to get all of us packed and out the door.  Plus we got lost in Ohio on our way there so needless to say I was a little nervous about running this having not ran since Tuesday.  At that point though I was glad to be running it and figured I’d cross my fingers and hope for the best.

We get into Pennsylvania and all I can say is holy hills!  We were driving my husband’s RV/converted school bus to the race.  This thing is big and old.  As we are driving into Titusville I start hearing my husband grumbling about getting this bus up the hill.  And let’s just say that bus really was struggling to get up the hill.  We go up hill and down hill and up hill and down hill and up and down and I tell my husband to stop talking about the hills that I was trying to block that out of my head and pretend they don’t exist.  He responds with a “good luck with that one”.  Which with the amount of hills I was not doing a good job blocking that out of my head.

We arrive in Titusville and find the pasta dinner without too much trouble.  I ditched the hubby and kids for that and had a really nice time.  I got to meet Dane there and a few other runners.  All of them did a nice job humoring me and listening to my nervous chatter. Every single runner I met was very nice, encouraging, and positive. We got the map of the race route and planned to drive the route, but that kind of didn’t go as planned.  We were cruising along following the route until we stumble on this hill and we both look at it and know that the bus no way no how is going to make it up it. We then have to figure out how to back the bus up without hitting a house or a person or anything.  At this point the neighbors are all coming out and staring at us. I will just say the people of Titusville have to be the nicest, friendliest people.  One of the neighbors comes out, helps my husband back the bus up, and then offers to get in his car with his wife and drive to the start line so we can follow him.  We took him up on the offer and found the starting line and decided to give up on driving the route and head back to our campsite.

Sunday morning head to the race and start lining up.  I decided to stick towards the back because this was my first marathon and I didn’t know what to expect.  I wind up running with this girl and chatting with her for a while and we hit hill number one.  I was in I think position number 3 from last at this point.  That was a little discouraging, but hey I figured that the first 8 miles were hills and I didn’t want to wear myself out and not be able to finish.  Well mile number 2 (13.53 min) we pretty much walked most of it because it was nothing but one huge hill.  I did not feel any shame at all in walking as everyone was walking and it just seemed like a huge waste of energy to attempt to run that monster.  I made horrible time on that mile, but what can you do.  Mile 3 (10.34) I think was downhill because my time was much better on that one.  Mile 4 (13.52) was also insane, but at this point I was wanting to ditch the girl I was running with because she was kind of slowing me down.  I could tell from her talking that she was way more winded than me. We get over the monstrous hill there and proceed to mile 5.  Somewhere close to mile 6 I ran ahead of the girl I was running with and was hoping to make up for some lost time.  Besides I felt really good at this point because the worst of the hills were over and I usually have no problem running 11 minute miles so I was discouraged with my time at this point.  I didn’t have ambitious goals for my first marathon, but I was hoping to do it in under 5 hours.

Miles 6 through 15 nothing exciting.  I was feeling good and honestly really happy with myself as I was sure that I would finish it at this point and I actually started thinking I could hit under 5 hours – beginner’s thinking huh?

At mile 15 I started struggling a little bit and kept thinking just get to mile 16 and you’ll only have 10 miles left.  I should mention I was run/walking at this point, but still running a decent point of it.  I pretty much rotated running and walking with this race in general because it was so hilly.  Oh and I didn’t mention the heat and humidity either.  I hear that at the pasta dinner they were expecting the worst heat all summer or something like that – lovely.  That’s what I get for picking a race in the middle of August. The heat wasn’t horrid to me, but I was born and raised in Florida. The humidity on the other hand was really bad so that was not making for fun for the last half.  I finished mile 16 in 11.04 and was doing okay with my time so I am still thinking just maybe I will be able to get in under 5 hours.  Mile 17 went okay and the turn around point was at 17.5.  I’m seeing light at the end of the tunnel.  I’m tired and hot, but sure I can finish it.  I really just wanted to be done, but was trying to block out how much further I had to go.  I think I was running 4 minutes walking 1 or something like that at this point. I get to mile 18.  At mile 18 I am struggling, but just want to get to mile 20.  I start saying in my head – run, run, run, salta, salta… Oh my God can’t believe that’s the mantra that came to me, but there you go.  My little Leo, my 3 year old, (who also picked my race number 33 since he likes 3) well he watches I think it’s Diego, but I don’t know one of those kids shows that likes to teach the kids Spanish.  Well he goes around saying that run, run, run, salta, salta so there you go that got me from mile 18 to 20.

Mile 20 I’m thinking yeah, I’m almost there, but knowing at the same time I got 6 more miles to go and I’m not stupid.  I know 6 miles is a good distance. I kind of got a second wind at mile 20 and was still able to run a decent part of it and finished in 12.16.  Mile 21 and 22 I was still plugging along, not at a great pace, but I was still able to run good stretches in between walking and finished those in 12.31 and 12.33.  By the time I finish mile 22 I know I am not finishing this race in under 5 hours and at this point my running was because it was hot, humid, sweaty, and my legs hurt and I wanted to be done.  I just kept telling myself the more you run the sooner you’ll be done and started playing the tree game.  You know the picking a tree and running to it.  I didn’t make it to all my trees, but it kept me moving along, slowly all be it, but moving.  Mile 24 and 25 I didn’t really care if I was walking most of it.  I tried to run as much as I could, but my legs were really not wanting to cooperate.  I was watching my watch and trying to run for a minute or two at least and that helped. I seen my husband at mile 25 and knew I was almost done, but wasn’t sure if I could pull out any more energy for the last mile.  I knew I wasn’t going to quit, but I didn’t want to walk so slow that I finished in 5 ½ hours.  I was hoping for 5:15 or anything less than 5:20 now. I still walked most of the last mile, but I did run some parts of it.  The race finished out at a track and dang it – it seemed like it should end there!  I really wanted it to end right there, but dag gone it for that .2 miles.  I had to run one loop around the track to be finished.  Of course that’s the part that everyone’s staring at you.  My kids are all there cheering me on waving at me and I’m thinking man I don’t want to be the big loser walking the track.  That was just the pressure I needed to finish and then I hear my name over the speaker thing and I swear I was feeling my eyes all tearing up trying not to cry.  It was the most amazing, incredible feeling crossing the line.  My final time was 5:17 something – gotta look up the exact time.  It wasn’t the time I was hoping for, but this was a tough course and I am really proud of myself for finishing it!  This was an awesome experience for me and I will definitely be running another one (at some point).

Here’s some photos from my race too.

Me and my cheering crew

Me at mile 25

Me at finish – my little one insists on shoving himself in all my pics. His first words were “I missed you mama.” when he found me at the finish.

Here’s my mile times for anyone interested. Thanks for reading and thanks so much all of you for the encouragement from everyone.

1 – 11.02
2 – 13.53
3 – 10.34
4 – 13.52
5 – 12.47
6 – 11.36
7 – 10.25
8 – 9.56
9 – 10.05
10 – 11.10
11 – 11.49
12 – 10.12
13 – 11.16
14 – 11.01
15 – 13.47
16 – 11.04
17 – 11.47
18 – 12.57
19 – 11.57
20 – 12.16
21 – 12.31
22 – 12.33
23 – 12.58
24 – 13.55
25 – 14.27
26 – 14.06

Really quick update

Only have a second to type, but in Pennsylvania now.  There are tons and tons of hills so really nervous again.  I am sitting in the McDonalds and don’t have time to type, but wanted to let everyone know I am alive and well.  I have so much to type up after this race!  Wish me luck!  Don’t have any idea how I will do.  Just hoping to finish at this point.

I’m ready! I’m ready!

Okay, I am officially ready to do this!  Today was an awesome run although really stupid.  I’ll share the stupid part later.  Let’s just say geography is not my best subject and for someone who thinks that they are faily intelligent I can be a bit of an airhead.  Anyhow, onto my awesome day!  First of all my mommy is the bestest.  Well, she’s not always the bestest, but today she was.  Yesterday I called my mom up. I don’t see her very often and we aren’t particularly close.  My dad and stepmother raised me so I didn’t grow up with her, but that’s a story for another day.  So I called her up and was thinking of going over there.  She lives in the middle of nowhere.  I asked her if she wanted to run with me.  I have asked everybody I know if they want to run with me and everyone I know responds with “NO” or ” I hate running” or some other comment to that effect.  In my whole training I have yet to get anyone willing to run with me.  So when my mom says “Sure”  I’m all over that.  My mom used to run when she was younger, granted she didn’t do races or a marathon, but she did run.  My mom is also very active and rides her bike and hikes a lot. She figured she could ride her bike while I ran.

It worked out great!  We’d talk a little then she’d ride ahead for a bit and I’d put on my iPod and run a little.  Then she’d catch up and we’d talk a little and run a little.  We ran from her house all the way to Lake Michigan!  Awesome view!  She lives in the middle of nowhere, but only 12 miles from Lake Michigan.  We ran up to a private beach, but we cheated and went through the subdivision anyways.  It was diserted practically.  Kind of sad seeing all these million dollar houses (and I am sure they were in that price range being that big and right on Lake Michigan).  And lucky enough there was a port-o-potty right there.  Like it was just put there just for me!

See, I told you big houses.

Lake Michigan, not the best pic, but what we could get without stepping onto the private beach.  I didn’t want to push my luck.

We stop there for a couple minutes, but no too long because I still did that mile in like 16 minutes even with the potty break and picture taking break.  Besides I needed a couple minutes to regroup anyway.  Then we head back for the treck back.  I was surprised because I was cruising a lot faster after mile 12 than I was before mile 12.  I only did 11 to 11 1/2 minute miles on the way there.  Not sure where all the mojo came from on the way back, but mile 14 I did in 10:35, mile 15 in 10:36, mile 16 in 10:56, mile 17 in 10:28.  I stopped again at mile 17 to catch up with my mom and figure out which way was home, but I still did okay time for mile 18 as well.  Not as fast as the other ones, but not too shabby for me for being on my 18th mile.  Maybe this marathon thing won’t be so bad.  I get to her house and it’s 19 miles.  Now here’s where the stupidity part comes in.

So I go in at 19 miles use the potty and have half a bagel, but tell my mom that I’d like to go just a little bit further.  I wanted to hit 20 miles and see how I felt and see if I could push just past 20.  I was thinking I’d aim for 21 or 22 depending on how I felt since I was still feeling surprisingly good for having ran 19 miles.  She offered to go with me, but at this point I really just wanted to run by myself. I knew I’d be moving slow and that I wouldn’t be up for talking so I tell her no, you stay here and if I’m not back in an hour come find me.  Well, dumb dumb dumb dumb, did I say dumb didn’t bring my cell phone.  I figured I was only going a mile or 2 at most I’d be okay.  Did I mention she lived in the middle of nowhere??? Okay, so I run out and hit 20 miles and I’m feeling a little slow, but figure let’s head out to 21 miles and then head back to her house.  I figure I can walk back.  So I hit 21.25 miles.  Don’t know why I went the .25, but I did and head back to her house.  Keep in mind I went straight out of her house and made no turns.  I just went one way out and one way back.

Well, I’m still running sort of until I get to mile 22.  Then I start a 1 minute walk, 2 minute run and figure I can do that until I get home.  Anyhow, I start looking at the numbers on the mailboxes and I swore her house number was 437.  (My mom hasn’t lived in this place that long and I think I mentioned we’re not particularly close so I don’t see her all that often.)  So I’m looking at the numbers and I see 533 and then 611 and then 6 something else and I’m like oh crap.  Where’s her house??  I can’t find it.  My water ran out at about mile 22 or so and here I am my legs so tired and ready to sit down and I can’t find her house!  Believe me I was freaking out.  I am in the middle of nowhere.  I finally see a few guys on their cellphones in front of their house and decide to chance it and go up there and ask them if I can use their phone.  So, I call my mom and good Lord she is the only woman on the planet too cheap to pay for call waiting so all I hear is a steady busy signal!  More freaking out from me.  I try again, another busy signal.  So these guys are talking to me and are all “Sweetie I saw you running about an hour ago coming from that direction over there.”  I’m thinking great!  That helps, who knows where I was an hour ago.  An hour ago I was with my mom who had a map and lives here and isn’t quite as stupid as me.  So then they procede to ask me what street she lives on.  So I’m like she lives on 58th street.  They ask what her name is and none of them know her.  Then they ask what the house looks like and I say “It’s a blue house with a small fence for a dog and a swing on the porch.”  None of these guys recognize this house, but they tell me that I am on 58th street.  I finally decide after a 3rd time calling my mom’s number and still a busy signal that I can’t stand in these guys driveway forever and decide to start walking back the way I was.  I mean I knew I only went there and back or that’s what I thought.  I mean where could her house have gone to.  I walked a little furthen then turned back and walked the other direction and then turned back again towards the way that I was originally headed.  I was really about to cry.  I was very freaked out and starting to get a little disoriented.  Anyhow, then along come the guys from the house down the road in a truck.  They had warned me when I was at their house that I should be careful because there were a lot of transient people and migrant workers in this area and that I should be careful.  They then ask me if I want a ride to find my house.  And trust me ordinarily I do not get in the car with complete strangers, but at this point I figured if they had wanted to rape and murder me they could have done it easier when I was up in their driveway and that I’d be better off taking a ride then wondering around lost, tired, hot, and without water.

I swear we drive 2 minutes, maybe a 1/10 of a mile and there you go my mom’s house.  I was not lost.  I was just stupid.  Her house was NOT blue nor is her house number 437.  I have no idea where I got the 437 from.  And God am I lucky these guys were legitimate good Samaritans.  Very good learning experience for me and thank you God that this all ended well.  Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, did I say DUMB!  Anyhow, after all my walking in circles I hit at least 23 1/2 miles.  I might have gone further than that, but I forgot to turn my Garmin off when I got in the truck so I’m not sure how much of it was the drive.  Anyhow, I am officially ready for my marathon and not doing anything that stupid ever again.

Insomnia and more freak outs

God, these last couple weeks are going to suck!  Please don’t worry about commenting to my blog as I am really just trying to settle my nerves and sometimes blogging helps.  (You can of course comment if you want, but if you are sick of listening to me whine that’s okay too.)  At least I’m not blogging about my binges or poor diet.  That has actually been okay.  I think the anxiety and nervousness kicked in yesterday.  Now I’m too anxious to eat. I mean I am eating, but I’m not worried about binging anyway.  First off I kind of wish I followed a real training plan.  I didn’t follow one because I got so stressed out looking at them trying to figure out what was what and decided to “just run” and go from there.  Now I’m having all the could of, would of, should of feelings and trying to put that aside.  I haven’t really done anything specific for hill work, nor have I done any speed work.  Well, I have done a little hill work as one of the routes I take for my runs has a decent amount of hills.  They just aren’t super steep, but they are definitely hills.  Speed work, done none of that.  Have I mentioned how much I don’t like running fast.  I hate it. Going to work on that for next race.  I still don’t get what a lactic threshhold run is either.  Yes, I know blogged this all before, but dag gone it I want to figure that out.  I joined a local running group.  Well, I signed up for it, but haven’t quite figured out how they work and haven’t gone to anything.  After this race I am going to figure out how to be a real runner.

Oh yes, back to my freak out.  See, now this week I am freaking out because I don’t know if I should run more or run less or what I should do.  I’m afraid to run too much and I’m afraid to run too little and I guess I’m just afraid.  I know how hard that half marathon was.  It was way harder than I was expecting, but then again I did make it to the finish line, right?  I’m scared of the hills in this race.  There are going to be hills in this one.  I’m not sure how bad.  I do not plan to drive the course ahead of time.  Maybe I should, but I really think it would exasperate my anxiety so I am probably not going to do it.

Fear number 2, my darling hubby and our big old bus.  We are going to be taking this bus on our trip.  Yes, it is a huge school bus.  Originally was a 66 passenger, but my handy dandy husband converted into an RV.  He did a nice job with it, but it is still big.  I am very concerned about him getting me to my race on time with this thing.  He is not like me.  He does not feel the need to be early to things and casually late is more his style.  He knows this is important to me so I know he won’t get me there late, but I want to get there early and I am very concerned about this dang bus of ours getting me to my race on time. We are going on vacation directly from the race so I don’t mind taking the bus and understand why we are driving it, but still I’m a little bit worried. Anyhow, going to will myself to bed or surf the internet until my eyes get tired and hope I don’t make myself crazy between now and August 9.

Decided to stick with 20 and hope for the best

I decided to ditch the 23 and 26 mile runs I had planned for my final runs and just stick with 20 miles and hope for the best.  I haven’t made up my mind yet whether this will be my last 20 miler before my race or if I’ll hit just one more long run next weekend. I’m leaning towards one more long run, but we’ll see how I feel.  Today was a much better day for me.  I’m feeling a lot better about things.  I think it’s because I’ve taken some of the pressure off of myself and decided to take all time goals off of myself for this marathon.  I know this is why I’ve been so discouraged lately.  I really wanted to do less than 5 hours for this marathon and I think that’s been getting me down.  I mean I *might* be able to get to that and I *might* not, but today I realized just finishing is okay and I can lay off of myself a little.  Based off of my last 3 20 milers I don’t know if I’ll be able to pull off a less than 5 hour race.  It’s so hard for me to tell though because I run faster in a race than on practice, but I don’t know that I can run any faster than what I’ve ran.  That and I don’t know how much slower the last 6 miles will go since I’ve never ran those.  I’m trying to stop fretting and just think positive.

Onto today’s run.  I’ll try to keep this short, but I figure next marathon this will be good to have around for me to read.  I am sure I will do another one at some point.  I did much better than last week’s run.  No nausea or vomitting or heat exhaustion, but I did meet nausea and vomitting’s evil cousin (cramps & diarrhea) how nice not that you wanted to know that.  I figure I will be all well and prepared for anything now come race day.  Haha.  Nothing like needing to use the bathroom to speed up your pace.  Other than that I had a really good run.  I actually ran 18.66 miles out of the 20 miles and then that last mile and 1/3 I walk/ran it and still managed to run a good portion of it.  I had a considerable improvement from last week too!  I actually ran it in under 4 hours (3:54:32)!  I figured I could have squeezed a few more miles out of me today, but then thought why am I doing this to myself?  Most of the training plans only call for 20 miles at the longest so stop torturing yourself about it.

I wrote on my arm with a sharpie marker before my run today for motivation.  It says “You can do this!”  Any time I felt like stopping I looked at my arm.  That and my husband knows me better than anyone (except maybe my twin sister) and he knows what makes me tick.  So last week after my run I said to him I just couldn’t run any more so I wound up walking parts of it.  He pops out with “Sure you can!  If you can walk you can run!” So that was my mantra for today.  I don’t know if he says that stuff to grate on my nerves or if it’s just because he knows me so well and how my brain works, but either way that got me through my run today.  I just kept repeating “If you can walk, you can run!”, looked at my arm, and kept putting one foot in front of the other.  Now I’m to the point where I’m crossing my fingers and hoping I gave it enough because I’m in the downhill slide and ready to taper.   I’m very excited about that!

Trying to hold it together

This high mileage is taking it’s toll on me.  First off it is messing with my menstrual cycle big time, not that you wanted to know that, but hey I spent half of yesterday google searching menstruation and marathon training to realize I was probably okay and I could start freaking out about it after my marathon if things weren’t back to normal.  (Don’t worry I’m not pregnant, tested just to be sure.)  Without going into too much details I am just having a very unusual spotty irritating cycle. I will be adding some extra vitamins to my day though because I just feel like I am being depleted in so many ways.

I didn’t run yesterday.  I just couldn’t will myself to do it.  My sister told me to give myself a break and stop being so hard on myself so I did just that.  Then of course I wound up moping the rest of the night because I didn’t run.  Like the whole world was going to come to an end.  I am totally freaked out about this race.  It’s bad.  I just want the next couple weeks to fly by and they are going by so slowly.  I may still be able to hit 50 miles this week for mileage which was my goal, but I may just say screw it and lighten it up.  I know it’s going to be time to taper soon.  Google searches gallore coming in store for me on that.  Next marathon I do I am going to follow a real marathon plan and not just make things up as I go along. I think at this point it’s too late to change anything. I am just trying to keep myself moving for another week.  I figure if I can keep strong for the next week, then I can taper and get ready for this race.

I am having huge anxiety right now and that’s not helping anything.  I have had problems with panic attacks on and off throughout my life.  They used to be a lot worse, but never anything disabling or in need of medication.  Now that I am aware of what they are I do a much better job working through them.  That being said I am struggling going through the motions right now.  I am very attention needy.  I have put my whole family on alert that they have to be there for me right now.  That I am going to be attention needy and that they all have to encourage me as much as they can for the next week.  Thankfully for the most part I have an awesome family.  Well, they can be crappy sometimes, but they all know this is important to me and so far everyone has been really good to me.  My husband has been awesome.  Anyhow, I’m about to scour the internet for some motivation for today’s run.  I sure as heck hope I can find it.  Thanks for reading folks!