Trying to stay calm

I will tell you as the days get closer to this race I get more and more nervous about it.  I got in my 5 miles today without my iPod.  I’ve been hungry all day, but have made good food choices and ate well I think.  I haven’t been obsessively calorie counting like I was.  It wasn’t good for my mind.  I am just trying to make good choices, give up my lattes, and stay clear of the junk food.  I have planned an 8 mile run tomorrow, an 8 mile run on Friday, rest on Saturday, and a 17 mile run on Sunday.  That’s a lot of mileage for me, but I am determined to do this marathon.  After running the half I knew right there that I needed to do more than what I have been doing if I wanted to do well at this. I’m trying to not think about it too much, but it’s all I can think about lately.  My whole run today I kept saying to myself “stick to the plan” and “your legs will only get stronger if you make them get stronger”.  You see, I only sort of like to push myself.  Endurance is not so hard for me.  I can do something for a long period of time if I am not putting a ton of effort into it.  Now, I am trying to work on the effort part.  I watch people who don’t last as long as me, but hell they are pushing two or three times as hard as me.  I’m not trying to kill myself, but I am trying to stop making things easy for myself as well.  I know what I am capable of and what I am not and I am pretty good at knowing how much I can and can’t handle.  This week I am really trying to step up to the plate and make it count.  It’s been really hard and I just keep thinking of the big race when it will all pay off.  I am not trying to think any further than one run at a time though as thinking further than that can overwhelm me too much.

That and I got a ton of crazy fears going through my head.  Not about not finishing the marathon.  That I am sure that I will do.  Most anything that I decide I am going to do and put my mind to I succeed at.  (That may only be because I tell myself that, but hell either way the positive affirmations do me no harm?)  Anyhow, what I am afraid of is that once I run this marathon that I will stop running.  I still don’t feel like a real runner yet.  Maybe in a couple more years I will feel like a runner.  I have some other thoughts going through my head, but none I feel like blogging about.
Oh and yes, I forgot my husband and I’s 12 year anniversary is July 3.  My husband usually does our anniversary’s right so we’ll see.  He’s tried to surprise me before, but I have always figured out (not on purpose) what he is up to.  This year either is going to be the first year he has totally surprised me or the first year he has totally loused it up.  We’ll see.  You probably won’t hear a peep from me after tomorrow because of that.